Introduction
“My favorite thing about the group is the unexpected sense of belonging. So many of us have said “me too!” and many times that small validation of one’s feelings is all it takes to achieve realization that we can make it another day.” – a Quaker parent group participant
The northern hemisphere winter of 2022-2023 was the third and final round of the Quaker parent mutual support groups. This is not because the nurture and support of Quaker parents is no longer a concern. It’s because the groups were originally intended as emergency intervention in the Covid era, and though they have served some parents very well, they are almost certainly not the best use of time, energy, and resources to address this concern in the long-term. The international population of Quaker parents is socially and economically diverse. Some are embedded in local meetings; others have access to a local meeting, but it does not meet their needs; and others are entirely geographically isolated from other Quakers. True collective support for the ministry of parenting will require a multi-pronged, Spirit-led, and joyfully experimental effort across and between our Quaker institutions.
The Quaker Parent Mutual Support Groups: Structures and Processes
“I was raised Catholic and I remember that they had parenting groups where parents meet to talk about how to raise their kids. My parents used to find this so helpful. I had not seen that type of support in Quakerism. I am so happy that I was able to chat with like-minded folks about the joys and hardships of parenting.” – a Quaker parent group participant
“Very many thanks to the volunteer elders for taking the time to create this opportunity for us and connect parents around the world!” – a Quaker parent group participant
The Quaker parent mutual support groups were open to any Friend anywhere in the world who was currently raising children in their home, including foster parents and Friends with shared custody agreements. In the first year, 67 parents participated from 8 time zones and all four branches of Quakerism. In the second year, 85 parents participated from 10 time zones and all four branches of Quakerism. In the third year, 120 parents participated from 12 time zones and, again, all four branches of Quakerism.
Each time, parents filled out a registration form. They offered as much detail about their schedules as possible as well as some basic demographic information. They were then divided into groups according to age of children, availability, and other factors when possible (homeschoolers, children with learning disabilities, single parents, etc.) Because of limited numbers and difficulties with availability overlap, some parents were placed in groups that weren’t ideal for their schedule. In this final year, two parents who registered could not be placed in a group at all.
Groups met a total of twelve times, every other week, beginning in November 2022 and ending in April 2023. Each meeting lasted an hour on Zoom.
In this final year, the eighteen facilitators came from nine different yearly meetings in North America and Europe. Facilitators were parents themselves, but their children were grown and in their own households. This offers an intergenerational component to the groups. Facilitators are responsible for holding the space, welcoming parents, and providing light structure to the groups, but beyond that they were mostly given freedom to facilitate as led. The aim of the project was to encourage parents to provide mutual support for one another. Facilitators received an hour of training before the groups began and were invited to optional facilitator check-in gatherings, but the program depended heavily on their previous experiences and existing skill sets.
Limitations
“I found it hard to connect with folks over zoom to be honest. We also had such different contexts in terms of ages of children and relationship (or lack thereof) to Quaker Meetings that it sometimes felt hard to find common ground.” – a Quaker parent group participant
These Zoom-based groups were born of desperation. In their first year (November 2020 – April 2021), we were still at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. We started at a time when almost no one had received a Covid vaccination. Most parents in the groups had been isolated at home with their children since March of 2020 with no reprieve. In-person community-building or worship events were mostly not possible, and in the northern hemisphere, we were moving into the short, cold, dark days of winter. Most parents who participated in the groups this first year described them as a lifeline. Their facilitators, mostly older Friends who recognized that the younger generations were in crisis, wanted desperately to find a way to help. The Zoom groups were a ministry ideally suited to the moment.
Each year since, interest in the groups has grown—but the response to the groups, once they have begun, has flagged. Families have returned to the busy-ness of pre-pandemic schedules. They are still in need of connection, but the need is more specific now. Some are hungering for true intergenerational community; some need in-person opportunities to share meals; some are in crisis and need better-designed groups with facilitators who have particular expertise.
Other Friends do have needs that are well-met by something like these online groups, either because they are geographically isolated or because Zoom support groups work best in their lives for some other reason. But casting the net wide, knowing only a proportion of those who register will be well-served, is the right response in an emergency but not an appropriate long-term plan. Quaker parents need multiple channels of available support, and this idea of multiple channels is more thoroughly explained in the section of this report entitled “What Happens Next?”
What Has Worked Well in the Quaker Parent Mutual Support Groups
“Thank you so much for this brilliant opportunity to meet other Quaker parents online. It provided an incredibly helpful ministry at a difficult time. Also thank you so much for the steady and therapeutic presence of facilitators who could help “hold the space” (maintain a steady connection to Presence) in the Zoom room.” – a Quaker parent group participant
“It made me feel like I had a spiritual home (with that sense of love, comfort, mutual support, and mutual aid that the word ‘home’ brings).” – a Quaker parent group participant
Over the course of three years (six months each time in the northern hemisphere winter), a lot has worked well in the Quaker parent mutual support groups. Many groups have developed strong relationships between members. There are, in fact, groups from both the first and second years that continue to meet of their own accord (sometimes with, sometimes without their original facilitators), and at least two groups from the third year also intend to continue. Parents have described these relationships as grounding, hopeful, supportive, and life-giving.
Geographically isolated Friends benefited particularly from these connections. A number of participants came from countries with small groups of Friends or, sometimes, no other Quakers in the entire nation. Other Friends were isolated because they found themselves in areas where their local meetings had a drastically different theology and culture than they themselves did.
For some, the groups provided access to resources. Parents sometimes asked for extra help in specific areas: talking about divorce with children, processing bereavement, conflict resolution, sibling rivalry, conscientious objection, and more. Facilitators were encouraged to pass these requests on to the coordinator (me), and from there, I could reach out to a network of experts in various fields. Though the process was indirect and probably opaque to parents, it did provide a pathway to connect parents with books, articles, podcasts, videos, and conversation partners that could help with their specific concerns.
Another positive development happened accidentally. In the first year, our volunteer facilitators were those who “were not currently raising children in the home.” The intention here was to send a message to parents: this is for you, and you do not have to create it yourselves; other people care enough to hold the space. That message was, in fact, important to some parents, but more important was connecting with Friends who had raised children of their own in the past. In many cases, mutually respectful and affectionate parent/grandparent types of relationship developed. Facilitators were encouraged not to slip into advice-giving unless directly asked, but once trust had been built, they often were asked. Parents felt comforted by the presence of Friends who had been through the process of raising children, and they were grateful to hear stories both of successes and of mistakes.
Facilitators and parents alike confirmed that much if not all the wisdom needed could be found within the group. Parents were not only comforted by feelings of solidarity but had opportunities to rediscover how much wisdom they already carried. The groups, which were designed primarily for parents to provide mutual support, often did exactly that.
All three years, more women served as facilitators than men, and more women registered for the group than men—but with specific and targeted efforts, the proportions changed. In the first year, approximately 11% of participants were fathers and none of the facilitators were men. By the third year, approximately 18% of participants were fathers and one third of the facilitators were men. A special one-time gathering for Quaker dads in January 2023 drew about ten participants. There is some distance to go yet in terms of helping Friends understand that “for parents” does not mean “for mothers”—and in terms of understanding what forms of support feel inviting to fathers. But we have made some progress.
Because the groups were international and cross-branch, many included Friends with significant cultural and theological differences. For the most part, the cultural differences have provided interesting variety and have not significantly disrupted the groups (though there have been a couple of exceptions). The theological differences, though certainly present, have been a non-issue in most groups. Friends speak from their own experience using their own authentic language and are generally disinterested in conflicts about theology. There were very real concerns about whether some Friends would object to the full inclusion of LGBTQ+ families, but in three years of the groups, there were no reported problems with this. It is unclear whether we were lucky, or if Millennials and Generation Z are unlikely to have disagreements over this, or if those participating simply cared more about building positive relationships and providing mutual support than they did about their differing theological positions.
What Hasn’t Worked Well in the Quaker Parent Mutual Support Groups
“My group seemed pretty spaced out geographically. I have no hope of ever meeting these people in person.” – a Quaker parent group participant
“I found that some of the parents had some really extreme cases of troubles with their children. I listened but was deeply concerned: were they getting the professional help they needed?” – a Quaker parent group participant
One parent, after the first online session of a Quaker parent group, packed her two children into her car and drove two hours so that she and another parent in her group could meet in-person. This is both beautiful and heart-breaking. It says something about the hunger for incarnational community that our Quaker parents are experiencing. Most of the parents in the groups, however, are so far away from the other parents that meeting in person is not possible. 120 parents spread across 12 time zones can talk together, cry together, laugh together, pray together—but they can’t hug or split the last cup of coffee left in the pot. They can’t offer to watch each other’s toddlers or drop off dinner when things get tough.
Some parents were in extraordinarily difficult moments of crisis. Over the course of three years, the parents in the groups encountered divorce, custody disagreements, the loss of a house due to fire, immigration challenges, imprisoned family members, death of close family members, abuse in the family, addiction in the family, severe mental illness, severe physical illness, and suicide. Sometimes the groups were able to hold all that was shared. Other times, the group was overwhelmed, and a few groups fell apart because of the severity of the situations of one or more parents. All of our Quaker parents need and deserve community, and some also need immediate access to professional help and to groups that are specifically designed to provide support in times of crisis. Although we had pathways for access to professional help built into the systems of the groups, those pathways worked too slowly and depended on facilitators identifying and flagging emergency situations—which was not always easy to do, given how little time facilitators actually had with their parents.
In fact, sixty minutes twice a month isn’t enough for much. Some groups thrived, but others struggled with sporadic attendance or with groups that ended up being too large or too small. Even the most gifted facilitators found it hard to build community under these circumstances. In the groups where it worked, it seemed to have happened through divine grace in addition to skilled efforts.
The groups, once formed, were siloed, and parents in one group had little opportunity to connect with parents in any other group. Because Friends had asked for such cross-group opportunities in past years, we tried “Big Zooms” in this third and final year, in which all Friends from all groups were invited to gather. One Big Zoom was a cooking and baking drop-in day. Another was a conversation for Quaker dads, and a third was a family workshop about spiritual gifts. These were sparsely attended. A few parents expressed real gratitude for the opportunities, but most were either uninterested or unavailable.
Some types of diversity proved more difficult to transcend than others. Cultural differences related to regional origin were mostly assets; theological differences seemed to be a non-issue. But economic differences were insurmountable in some groups. The majority of parents are experiencing at least some financial struggles, but there is a real difference between parents who are struggling to pay for summer camp and parents who are struggling to feed their children. Parents who are experiencing food insecurity or risk of homelessness have sometimes stopped attending groups, expressing varying degrees of frustration with conversations that felt irrelevant to them.
Some Friends of color (though not others) also said that they have found it hard to participate in majority-white groups. In this third and final year, no Friend of color was assigned to a group that did not also contain other Friends of color—but because not all parents who register attend, some ended up being the de facto only Friend of color in their groups. There are Friends of color who have specifically expressed a desire to gather with other Quaker parents of color.
Functioning as a Program Across and Between Institutions
“Thank you. I’m not even completely sure how I ended up on the initial invitation list to join the groups but whatever the Universe aligned to make it happen, I am grateful.” – a Quaker parent group participant
The first year of the Quaker parent mutual support groups was funded in full by New York Yearly Meeting, although the program was intentionally open to Friends everywhere. (Financial support goes directly to my time as coordinator.) In the second and third years, because New York Yearly Meeting’s budgetary allowance for family programming had shifted to supporting a new staff member, the financial support came from the combined efforts of New York Yearly Meeting, Friends United Meeting, New England Yearly Meeting, and Philadelphia Yearly Meeting.
Additional communications support and help in finding facilitators came from Britain Yearly Meeting, Friends World Committee for Consultation Europe and Middle East Section, Baltimore Yearly Meeting, Western Yearly Meeting, and Friends General Conference. Many other yearly meetings, regional meetings, local meetings, and individual Friends helped to get the word out through any and all communications channels available to them.
This made it possible to reach many Quaker parents in multiple countries and yearly meetings, as well as Quaker parents unaffiliated with any meeting. The network effect of support from multiple institutions, plus sharing through social media groups and personal accounts, was essential in reaching Friends who are connected to few or no official Quaker communications channels…who are also the most likely to be isolated and in need of a group such as this one.
Cross-institutional support and coordination is essential for this project and others like it. Higher levels of participation make the programs more successful for everyone, especially since creating groups is a numbers game. But the cross-institutional work also allows for relationship-building in the context of genuine ideological diversity. Quaker parents from various countries—and from various parts of the political spectrum—have been in close personal relationship through the groups, and this is extraordinarily important in a time when lack of relationship is feeding an increasingly divisive society.
Working across institutions also allows for new ideas to spread. For example, when a model for a new, meeting-centered local parent group sprang up in a meeting in the southern United States, the idea spread almost immediately to several meetings in Europe and one in Tasmania because Friends in all these places were connected through a Zoom group.
What Happens Next?
“I remember a meeting elder coming up to me and putting their arm on my shoulder and telling me I was doing a good job. She didn’t really spend time interacting with my kids but I guess she could tell I was trying to teach them the right way to behave. Her saying that I was doing a good job seemed sincere and an acknowledgement of the effort I am putting into trying to raise good humans.” – a Quaker parent group participant
“The Quaker support group this winter has been fantastic – my only regret is that I should have had this support years ago.” – a Quaker parent group participant
“Zoom does not make me feel at peace, so I was not able to take part in the parenting group because it was hosted in an entirely online format. I struggle with connections over Zoom and would prefer even outdoor get-togethers to minimize risk while also forming in-person relationships with Quaker parents near me.” – a Quaker parent group participant (who registered, but then did not attend)
“[We need] a large chorus of prophetic voices to convince adult Quakers (who attend business meetings) that children and parents are people too, and part of the public who merit access to Quaker meetings.” – a Quaker parent group participant
What began as an emergency form of support during the Covid pandemic has grown into a three-year project—not because it works well (which it does only for some parents) but because so many parents have been hungry for any form of support. The good news is that many Quaker meetings and institutions are picking up this concern. The bad news is that many Quaker parents still have no access to meaningful nurture in a Quaker context.
In fall of 2022, just as the Quaker parent mutual support groups were beginning their third and final year, I convened a group of Friends who share a common concern for Quaker parents. There are sixteen of us from seven yearly meetings or institutions, although not all are actively attending our conversations. The group has room to grow, and I hope it will.
Together, we set two goals:
to encourage Friends generally to think of parents as a group in need of community and support and to help concerned Friends and organizations know better how to meet that need with intention and consistency, and
to establish consistent, workable pathways by which Quaker parents (including geographically isolated Quaker parents) can be integral parts of healthy, multi-age Quaker communities and give/receive nurture and support.
Goals like these can’t be achieved by sixteen people, but coordination and networking are very powerful forces. Thus far, the group has focused on telling stories about practices that have worked or not worked in the past. We’ve affirmed the incredibly personal nature of support and nurture and the fact that, in the end, this can only be done one at a time, relationally.
But we also recognize that many groups are engaged in experiments about how to do this work, and we’re hoping to provide opportunities to share ideas, to hear about and amplify what’s working, and to find and address the holes—those places where something is needed and nothing is available. Three such holes that we have already identified are (1) an obvious place to get help for Quaker parents in crisis, (2) a connection point for Quaker families experiencing homelessness and/or food insecurity, so they can be in conversation together and offer mutual support, and (3) more relationship opportunities for Quaker parents of color, some of whom are specifically asking for chances to talk with other Quaker parents of color.
At the end of the Quaker parent groups, I sent a survey to parents (just as I have each year in the past two years). This year, more than half of the survey focused on the potential for forms of support other than the Quaker parent groups. Although the number of respondents was small (nineteen), when asked what Friends most need from their local meetings, a third answered “childcare for meeting events” and a third answered “financial support.” We have long known about the need for childcare, but this level of financial need may be new—although, as noted earlier, there is a difference between Friends who struggle to access food, housing, and health care for their families vs. Friends who struggle to pay for Quaker summer camp or youth activities. Both feel hard and both need to be addressed, but they are not the same.
Below is a table showing parents’ responses to the question, “What would you find helpful in the near future?”
| Very helpful | Somewhat helpful | Maybe helpful | Not helpful | |
| A community of mutual support like the parent groups | 12 | 2 | 1 | 1 |
| Better welcome/ support for families in my local Quaker meeting | 8 | 4 | 2 | 0 |
| A local-to-me occasional gathering for Quaker families | 8 | 4 | 4 | 0 |
| A workshop on Quaker parenting with a specific structure and curriculum | 8 | 2 | 4 | 2 |
| A support person who would check in with me | 5 | 7 | 4 | 0 |
| Written/video/audio resources about parenting | 5 | 6 | 4 | 1 |
| Written/video/audio resources for Quaker children or teens | 5 | 3 | 5 | 3 |
| A new online forum or social media group where I could connect directly with other Quaker parents | 5 | 3 | 4 | 2 |
Additional Resources
Report from the Quaker parent mutual support groups, year one
Report from the Quaker parent mutual support groups, year two
“Crossing the Threshold” by Melinda Wenner Bradley
Videos from the Quaker Religious Education Collaborative
Writings and queries on age inclusion in local meetings by Emily Provance
The Quaker Parenting Initiative
A Final Word
“In my group, I consistently feel a sense of connection and shared belonging that I appreciate more than words can express. Over these last months this group of parents spanning two continents have become my Meeting. We’ve elected to continue Meeting on our own, beyond the end of the official program, because so many of us feel that connection.” – a Quaker parent group participant
With gratitude to the third year facilitators, who offered their time and their gifts generously, and whose faithful and prayerful presence made this project possible:
Gretchen Baker-Smith
Jens Braun
Denny Dart
Mary DeSilva
Peggy Dyson-Cobb
Harriet Heath
Paul Kelly
Somers Knight
Tony Martin
James McCarthy
Katrina McConaughey
Jill McLellan
Laura Rubin
Aaron Ruscetta
Gladys Tiffany
Teri Waitz
Keith Walton
Sally Zelasko
Turning, Turning 